What You Doin' In L.A., With Philippinos And Eses

Latinos in Chevys, down by Pico with Frederico
I answer all your questions
But then y'all got to go
Now the question I ask you is
How bad you want to know?

Hora-le Holmes! Today I shall get through a whole post without mentioning “Republicans,” “Democrats,” “Liberal” and “Conservative.” (Cept’ for that. I suppose therein lies the danger of stating your accomplishments before you have achieved them. Sonny “Don’t count your chickens before they are a bird in the bush and melt in your mouth, not in your hands”Redd.)

As usual, I will now engage you all in some cheerful banter that will make the environment seem safe and homey, yet be subtly self-serving. (New readers take note: according to my PR department, my evil nature is off-putting. Thus, in an effort to downplay my true villainy, I always start off with some “folksy” sayings, sprinkled with some ebonics and profanity, just to convince the weak minded that I am human. And this is a Jedi Mind Trick digression.)

Now, let’s see…banter…hmmm…I got’s nothing. Wait, we do hustle! And hustle well! I got some things in the pipeline that I am sure you will all enjoy, though we shall save that for another day…soon as my freaking graphic artist hits me back! (Anybody else feel me on how damn frustrating it is dealing with artistic motherfuckers. Ever since Ms. Badu decided to proclaim that she’s “sensitive ‘bout her shit,” artists have been on this whole…“it’s the process, man!” shit. I don’t have time for no processes. And this is a “I’ma call Tyrone ass” digression.)

Anyway…I suppose I have bantered enough. Oh yeah, your boy made somebody’s top 10 bloggers list. Peep it here (July 13th entry.) And that damn Hostess got number one . Let's all feign happiness for her.[dammit woman, just remember who makes the Party crunk when you go all Oprah and what not.]. But then again, I should make all y’all’s [the punctuation problems with ebonics are baffling, who says it ain’t a language] top ten, being the top 10 nigga that I am, but we already know that, don’t we?

Today, I am going to show you some terrifying AND enlightening shit. Terrifying because it will show you how damn sophisticated some of out future obstacles may indeed be. Enlightening because it should act as a beacon to us all.

As we all know, either from watching Colors or American Me (and a hardy ‘no homo’ for THAT reference. I remember chillin’ over a friend of a friend’s spot and thinking, ‘this cat is ghey [not that there is anything wrong with it]’ when he said American Me and Oz were his shit. Oz got downright uncomfortable in the end (no homo). And this is a ‘Who didn’t know about Lance Bass? And Clay Aiken, Missy Elliott and Sisqo too.’ digression.”) that the Mexican gangs be running shit out west. Hell that, and the abundance of red (Krimson) in my wardrobe makes a Sonnyredd trip out west very unlikely.

Anyway, them Mexicans are, like, organized. But don’t take my word for it—according to wikipedia, sheriffs in a county jail found and confiscated the following missive. Seems that new chicanos are sent the rules of gang life upon arrival. The tough part is that this was found in THE COUNTY JAIL. Not, like San Quentin, or Sing Sing, but jail. Where niggas is waiting for their hearings and shit. The niggas who get locked up in the county jail are there on like parking tickets and spousal abuse, and whatever else lowlife non-felons get locked up for. Now, the spelling and grammatical errors are intact, and typical of jailhouse missives, there are loads of misused big words (them not having taken the SAT and all), but this is some scary and relevant shit. Read it and then we’ll discuss:

GREETINGS MI RAZA! THE ENCLOSED H.H.P'S (HOUSEHOLD POLACIES) HAVE BEEN ESTABLISHED AND WILL BE ENFORCED THROUGHOUT "ALL OF SANTA RITA"FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF INSTILLING SELF DISCIPLINE, CONFIDANCE, AND FOREMOST SECURITY WITHIN OUR RANKS..

IT IS IMPARITIVE THAT WE ALL AS A CLOSE KNIT RAZA RECOGNISE TO THE FULLEST OUR OVERALL RESPONSIBILITY'S BY UPHOLDING OUR HIGH STANDARDS IN CONDUCTING ONE SELF IN ACCORDANCE TO OUR SET GUILDELINES..AS OF BEING N.S WE WILL ACKNOWLEDGE AND RESPECT THESE POLICIES; NEVERTHELESS NOT FALTERING OUR WILL TO NOTHING LESS WITHIN THESE SET GUIDELINES..

UPPON COMPLETION OF READ-ING AND GRASPING THE TRUE MEANING OF SAID POLACIES YOU WILL THEN, AND ONLY THEN BE CLEARED TO FUNCTION ON THE SAME LEVEL OF DISCIPLINE AND AWARENESS AS ALL BROTHERS RESIDEING HERE IN "SANTA RITA"..

NOW, FOR SOME ODD REASON OR ANOTHER ONE CAN NOT MEET SAID REQUIREMENTS/GUIDELINES FOR HIS OWN SELFISH REASONS HE WILL REPORT IT TO HIS CHANNEL IMIDIATELY AND THE RIGHT PROCEDURES WILL BE TAKEN TO BETTER HELP FACILITATE HIS NEEDS.

- ..."HENCEFORTH"....

1. OUR N. PROGRAM WILL OPEN AT 8:00 AM AND CLOSE AT 10:00PM..DURING THIS TIME YOU WILL BE SUITED AND BOOTED. AWAKE, ~ - ALERT AND AWARE OF YOUR IMIDIATE SURROUNDINGS..IF YOU CATCH YOUR FELLOW N. "SLIPPIN" ASLEAP TAKE THE INITITIVE TO WAKE HIM UP BEFORE HE GETS D.P ...

2. ONCE AGAIN ALL MOVEMENTS ARE MANDITORY! NO EXCEPTIONS.(THERE IS STRENGTH IN NUMBERS) WE WILL NOT BE CAUGHT SLIPPIN ON ANY LEVELS...

3. A N. WILL ACKNOWLEDGE AND RESPECT HIS AUTHORITY IN CHARGE..ON THE SAME TOKEN NO N. WILL FEEL INFIRIOR TO ONE HOLDING RANK OR POSITION.

4.AT NO TIME WILL ANY N. ENDULGE IN ANY HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVITY, SEX PLAY, HORSE PLAY, SETRIPPIN, INDIVIDUALISM, OR HOMEBOY FAVORITISM.

5. NO RED ON RED ATTACKS/FIGHTING (AMONGST ONE AND OTHER) WILL BE TOLERATED. ALL FUNKING (BARRIO WARFARE) WILL BE LEFT ON THE STREETS.

6. NO DISRESPECTING ANY RAZAS OR K-9 WILL BE TOLERATED FOR IT ONLY JEPORDISES THE CAR AND THE LIVELYHOOD OF OUR PEOPLE..BESIDES WE DONT NEED THE UNWANT-ED AND UNECESSARY HEAT.

7. AT NO TIME WILL THE ABUSEMENT OF ALCOHOL OR ANY HARD DRUG BE TOLERATED. FOR THERE HAVE BE INCIDENTS IN THE PAST THAT WILL NO LONGER BE TOLERATED..WE ARE THE ELIETE AND WILL PRAMOTE PROFESIONAL ISM AND PROPPER CONDUCT AMONGST THE AIMLESS AND MISLEAD..

9. HOUSEHOLD TIENDAS ARE ESTABLISHED FOR ALL NEW ARIVALS AND THOSE LESS FORTUNATE IN NEED. IT IS OUR SOLE DUTY TO PROMOTE UNITY AND CARNALISMO AMONGST OUR PEOPLE. THEREFOR CONTRIBUTEING TO THE THE TIENDA IS HIGHLY ENCOURAGED AND HIGHLY APPRECIATED..

10. POSTING UP AT SHOWERS FOR YOUR FELLOW N. IS ALSO HIGHLY ENCOURAGED..

11. A N. WILL DEFEND HIS HOUSEHOLD TO THE FULLEST NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES OR CONSIQENCES. THIS MEANS STANDING NEXT TO THE CAUSE OR BROTHER IN BATTLE OR STRUGGLE..

12. A N. WILL BE HELD IN HIGH ~ REGARD FOR HIS PHYSICAL AND MENTAL WELLBEING..THEREFOR IT IS STRONGLY ENCOURAGED AS WELL AS MANDITORY THAT YOU BUST DOWN 4 TIMES A WEEK FOR 1 HOUR A DAY..

13. A N. WILL TEACH AND SCHOOL THOSE DESTINED TO THE PINTA..AT NO TIME WILL ANY PORTION OF THESE POLACIES BE MISINTERPRETED ABUSED OR USED FOR PERSONAL GAIN TO DO SO WILL RESULT IN SERIOUS REPROCUSSIONS..

14. A N. WILL ESTABLISH A BRANCH IN UNION WITH ALL THESE SET PROCEDURES, MEANING UNDERSTANDING AND ACKNOWLEDGEING SAID PROCEDURES ARE MANDITORY....

Wow. Them niggas gots rules—no, statutes— man. Like with “Henceforth” and what not. Even if they skipped number 8, I must admit I’m impressed.

Makes you wonder though…why can’t we have the same type of thing in the workplace? Or hell, even in the community. Like their whole purpose is solidarity, mixed with physical and (gasp) mental betterment. Just something to consider.
On the other hand, it is scary that these cats are this organized in the county lock-up. And we don’t speak to that black lady in the cubicle across from us, cause she be actin’ funny on Mondays, like she don’t want to speak.

They Say The Truth Shall Come To The Light...

So everybody grab your chains cause your boy that bright...

Yes indeed! As we proceed, to give you what you need! It’s your boy Sonny Redd, a.k.a. Sonnyredd, a.k.a. The Black Lex Luthor. Some of you may know me as “I hate that niggaa…”, “I can’t stand that damn…” or the ever popular, “Fuck you nigga, go to hell.” I swear, you ever hear some shit so much that you think it’s your damn name? (Though to be honest, I love it. It takes more energy to dislike someone than it takes to like them, plus the feeling lasts longer. Sonny“sucking the life energies from your soul”Redd.)

But, I am that I am. And you are all more fortunate for it. Today, I am going to do what no man has ever done before. I will prove God exists. My doing so will prove two points that will be relevant to our future discussions; (1) it will prove that I am the greatest thinker of the 21st Century (what, you didn’t think self promotion was on the agenda?), and (2) because the black church is the single most prolific and profitable business in the black community, I suppose y’all should have a background in what you are investing in – seeing as niggas got to have the ballin’-est everything, including Pastors. (“Nigga you ain’t ballin’.” “Nigga, what?!?!? I’m ballin’ so hard that my Pastor drive a Bentley! Nigga, now what?!?!?” And this is both a “you know somewhere somebody is having this very conversation” and a“Preachers are really pushing Bentleys and nobody calls them out on it, wtf?” digression).

What follows is a re-crafting of a discussion on Cynthia’s page. She asked if anyone could explain their belief in God without resorting to Bible thumping. A fair question, and one that most people wouldn’t engage in, largely because they are unprepaired (Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.) Me being the negro-nets bully that I am though, I hit that one head on. In doing so, I put in print my own thoughts on the subject. And I am better off for it.

Now bear with me as I reclaim my copyright! (Sonny “ulterior motives, don’t leave home without them”Redd.)

To apply logic to god requires that logic to define the indefinable. God by virtue of his omnipotence defies logic because the word ‘omnipotence’ defies logic. In short, if you look for God in logic and reason, you will be left wanting, not because He isn’t there, but because our reason and logic are both insufficient to the task.

The logical question of God and the rock illustrates this point. If God is omnipotent, can God make a rock that God can’t move?
The question tests not the limits of God, but the limits of ‘omnipotence’, which by definition have none. The question is also paradoxical, defeating itself with both outcomes.

If God can make a rock that God can’t move, then – logically – there is a rock, however massive and unimaginable, that God can’t move. His powers are thus limited by the size and weight of that rock.
If God, on the other hand, is so powerful that he cannot make a rock that he can’t move, because he can move all things, then his inability to create such a rock equally proves the limit of his power.

The resulting outcome is – of course – that there is no satisfactory answer. Which also disproves God’s omnipotence, because omnipotence cannot exist if omnipotence defies logic. And if God isn’t omnipotent, he thus cannot be God, who by definition is omnipotent.

As an aside, an interesting philosophy suggests that God is a sentient being that has merely created without any real power. He is the creator, but he has no power to change or affect the course of human events. I would suggest then that this being is unworthy of worship, and is thus no more god than our parents, who also created us. Thus, an entity unable to do all is no god, nor is he God.

But the paradox actually proves the existence of God, because the very nature of a paradox shows the limitation of logic. Logic will quantify a paradox, even explain why it is a paradox, but cannot decipher the paradox.

Omnipotence by its very definition is a paradox. If you start from a position that asserts God must be logically defined, then God cannot be omnipotent – logic and nature (science) limit His abilities.

In order for our logic to apply to God, we are left with either—(1) God cannot be omnipotent because omnipotence is a paradox that cannot exist, or (2) God is omnipotent, but we cannot ‘logically’ comprehend Him because we cannot comprehend the paradox.

But God not being omnipotent makes it clear that God is not NOT God, because that which limits God also controls and contains God—and is thus greater than God -- and therefore a God in and of itself.

Once we have disregarded all of that, we are left with but one conclusion; God is omnipotent and cannot be logically defined because omnipotence transcends logic, and thus God transcends logic.

And the only thing that can transcend logic is the Divine.

My New Name Is Just The Facts

While the rest of y’all just adjust the facts
Put words together just to match
I say what I feel, y’all adjust to that
I do the opposite of y’all so I just attract
The realer audience, usually unjustly black
…
I just tackle the subject, flack from the public is nothing
I know real [thinkers] happen to love it

We’re doing big things! Big things indeed! First, look around…you like? Hotness, no? Yeah, we stay fly in the “Fell Clutch,” cause we ballin’! (Funniest thing I’ve heard tonight- “I don’t really mess with Africa. Them niggas is starvin’, and that’s not ballin’ to me”, and this is a “I was pressed to stick that shit in my post” digression!)

Least I’m ballin’, Lucky is a student. Students don’t ball. (Just like revolutionaries don’t dance, Hostess; and “Charlie don’t Surf!” Sonny “If not ‘Apocalypse Now,’ apocalypse when?” Redd.)

Anyway, not much has changed since last we spoke. Cept' that Lucky spiffied the joint up a bit. Ahh, henchmen. Every evil villian should have at least one. So we applaud the young man for applying his myspace abilities to the evil headquarters.

Let's see, what else is going on? There is still war in the Middle East, gas prices still suck and I am still the most electrifying blogger in show business. All’s right with the world or rather, there isn’t too much we can do about it, now is there? So let us do what we do best-address us.

This weekend I had the misfortune of being called a black conservative. Me. Can you believe that? Man, I’m like Rick Ross – “I know Che Guevara, the real Che Guevara, that nigga owe me a hunnert favors.” Okay, so maybe not.

So I did one of those self-analysis that is all the rage among emotional people. First, I am a born capitalist. Been one since I was eight and figured out that old people will pay children to shovel the snow off their walk. Okay, so I'm a hustler. I guess I have a strike against me. But, I care about people…um…sort of? I care that they don’t steal my car. That’s caring, right? Okay, so I don’t have the caring thing down. What’s left? Well, I’m not an elitest prick who feels that he is better than the common folk because he was born. My better-ness derives from my God given talents, brains, natural good looks, education and regal bearing. Damn, I’m screwed.

But all that, and I still ain’t a conservative. The things that make me come across as a conservative (aside from my lucid arguments, love for America, and disdain for most social programs) were things that, prior to 1965, were thought of as progressive “colored” philosophy; be better than white folk, don’t rely on white folk for anything, take care of my family, my neighborhood and don’t embarrass black folk. Nothing too complicated really.

And do you know what? My line of thought is coming back - like Mitchell and Ness throwbacks and light skin-ed-ed dudes (Self promotion! The Rock, Vin Diesel, Sonny Redd! Yeah, redd is the new black! And this is a “Wesley who?” Digression.)

For instance, Sunday night, Dateline NBC ran a story profiling a year in the lives of several black students in Jackson, Mississippi (I can’t spell Mississippi to save my life. Spell check can though. Whew.) The story, “Separate But Unequal” follows your typical formula. A group of students, two troubled and two on the right road all attend Lanier High School. Lanier was a successful school prior to desegregation. After segregation…well, let’s just say, not so much. And the tone of the story was supposed to work to uncover where the breakdowns were in the school. Except, as the report progressed, it became apparent that the problem wasn’t the school.

See, the school has a black administration, in a black city, with a black Mayor, and black teachers. The report started out ready to rip into all sorts of “the school lacks this’s” and “the school lacks that’s”. But the school is staffed by people who want those kids to succeed.

And in fact, most of those kids succeeded. Lanier graduated 141 students according to dateline. Of that, 116 were off to college. That is over 82%! Not bad for one of the worst schools in Jackson?

Interestingly, Lanier has a 65% graduation rate. Which, when applying simple mathematics, means that a freshmen at Lanier has a 53.3% of going on to college. That is better than 50/50. Not great. But workable. (I’d point out that there are white high schools in America that send less than 53% of their students to college, but some of y’all would think that I was lying, trying to confuse y’all with them things they call numbers.)

The point of this post, however, is an interesting round-table near the end. One family, all from Jackson, with degrees from fancy schools – like Harvard – all sat around and discussed where we are as a people.

We gathered three generations of the Priester family to talk about race. Their roots are in inner city Jackson, in the days when segregation was often violently enforced. Seated in one room for an interview were four lawyers—one is also a judge—graduates of Harvard, Stanford, Boston University.

Brokaw: 30 years ago, when you were going to law school at Harvard, and that was unheard of in many of the neighborhoods in which you grew up, did you think we would be a much different society at this point?
Pernilla Priester: Oh, certainly. I thought all the problems would long since have been solved. The ones we’re dealing with now would not be here. Because these are the same ones that we grew up for the most part.
...
Jonathan Priester: When my parents were younger, they always tell me the stories of not being able to go to a white only water fountain or not being able to go to certain restaurants. You could see that form of racism. Where today, it could be more subtle.

The older generation says frank discussions about race are all too rare these days.
But the younger generation also says that blacks today have opportunities unparalleled in American history.

Melvin Priester Jr.: The amazing thing about switching from an industrial to an information economy is that people with brains and with education can create billion dollar empires. If we could produce a group of radically educated individuals, the jobs will follow.
…
Charlene Priester: One of the things I think is very difficult is trying to determine what part of what we see going on now is race based, and what part of it is economics, what part of it is education.

I don’t know Charlene Priester from a hole in the wall, but I could kiss her. She summed up my position from jump (and simultaneously explained why I’m no conservative. Conservatives don't acknowledge that racisim exists. I know it does. I just won't let nobody stop me from doing what I need to do, because my grandparents certainly didn't. Sonny “See, I tie up all lose ends”Redd.)

We face a three headed monster ladies and gents. One part race, one part economic and one part educational.

When tackling a problem, the first thing you do is eliminate anything that you can’t control. I can’t prevent racism. It exists, and I trust that the Cynthia’s of the world (Mckinney and Daniels) do a fair job of raging against the machine.

But the other two, economics and education—those we can address. And that’s what we do here. From every point of view, every political ideology, every aspect. We’ll present it, vet it out, and hopefully come to some meaningful conclusions (which I will promptly publish, making myself the richest man in the world, hahahahahaha. Did I write that? Sorry. Count this as a “master plan” digression.)

Welcome to the new, “Fell Clutch of Circumstance.” Enjoy your stay!

Signed,

The Evil Genius
Sonny Redd
a.k.a.
The Black Lex Luthor

Y'all ... Got Me Really Confused Out There...

I write [“Too Many (women)…]” or ["Who’s The Best MC…"] one of those
They hail me as the greatest [blogger] of the 21st century
I make some thought provokin' shit
Y'all question whether he fallin' off
I'ma really confuse y'all on this one…

I swear, you ever have one of those days when your efforts aren’t appreciated? I don’t. And why don’t I? Two words –“self promotion.” And that will be the extent of the lesson today.

Sike! (When was the last time y’all pulled a “sike”? And who are these people who spell “sike” with a “p”? Y’all know who y’all are, with your “psyke’s” or worse your “pyche’s.” The word is sike. It is spelled with the letter “S”. And this is a “Fell Clutch is brought to you today by the letter “S”; and by the number ‘1’…” digression.) For those among you who are new to the army, we strive to provoke thoughts, fights and actions. I don’t care if you are as liberal as Cynthia, or as conservative as Lashawn, so long as you honestly care about black people, you are welcome. Because, across the blogosphere folks fight, rant, rave and preach to the choir. But not here. Here, we think.

That said, I also promised more voices besides mine, and more importantly more points of view. If I expose you to differing theories, you are forced to give thought to things you ordinarily wouldn’t. Thus you grow, or at least become more interesting at dinner parties.


Today, I am offering without comment, what is either a very short movie or a really long trailer. Either way, it offers some food for thought, and comes your way from Viperteq, over at 7andacrescent.com. I respect Viper. And we don't always agree. In fact, as a poor righteous teacher, I am sure he doesn't fully agree with my take on the Middle East situation. And that is okay. We don't have to agree on everything to respect one another.

And-- surprise-- I don’t fully agree with the premise of the movie either, but I am going to have to do some research of my own -- and I encourage you all to do the same, and that is the whole point, now isn't it? So without further ramblings…
(oh, and Lucky, you better be on point Friday), or further (Freddie) Adieu…:

Aight fam, here it is. Before I hit you with the link let me say that I'm giving this clip to you because I respect what you’re about. It's clear that you're about helping people get their shit together even though sometimes they don't wanna help themselves. You have the ear of a lot of people and you have the influence to get this seen by the right folk. I want to make something happen with this information, but I just don't have the reach. So I'm hoping that you can help me do what needs to be done: start getting the word out and educating people about the truth. Here's the link to the video.

Peace,

Viper

Once you have viewed the movie, feel free to explore the Constitution; the IRS Code; The National Archives Page on Executive Orders; and the site for the movie. Read more about it!

Force Your Hand…

of course that man is plottin’
Smarten up, the [world] is watching,
it's on…

Allow me this opportunity to say that the best thing about our 24 hour news networks is that we get to see the best fights in the world, for free. (Okay, that was a liberal use of “free” considering my cable bill is $100.00 a month, $130 after taxes and fees for who knows what. And this is a “damn my cable bill is high” digression.)

And I’m not talking about Tyson-Jones – because let’s face it, the world is waiting to see Iron Mike and Roy Jones bang it out – but global prize fights with real world ramifications. Cause for real, Israel is banging out Lebanon right now. This shit is great T.V. with a mystery, clues, intrigue and outright violence right there in front of you.

And as the street’s real CNN (I don’t care what these rappers are screaming. Until a woman having a phat booty is news, them niggas [yeah, I haven’t sworn off the word yet, but its time is drawing near] ain’t really displaying any journalistic talents, now are they? And this is alternately a “I hate Southern Hip-hop” or “ghetto CNN? Get the fuck outta here…” digression.) cause black folks don’t watch that show they call the news since BET got bought out by Viacom, I think it best to update y’all on who’s who, and what’s what in this new round of fighting in the Middle East.

The story started last week, when some Hezbollah guerillas (generally, I distain using such words because of its connotations, but it fits) left Lebanon, crossed over into Israel, and ambushed a group of Israeli troops traveling in a pair of Humvees. In the course of the fight, the Hezbollah attackers killed several soldiers and took 2 Israeli soldiers hostage. With their hostages in tow, the guerillas crossed the border back into Lebanon.

Who is Hezbollah? Hezbollah is a political party in Lebanon, so to put it in perspective, imagine if a bunch of Republicans snuck across the Mexico border and shot up the Mexican Border patrol. Wait a minute…the Mexicans don’t have a border patrol, do they? Alas, that is a post for another day.

So wait, because the story gets better. In addition to sneaking across the border, shooting up a bunch of soldiers and taking hostages, Hezbollah then started to launch missiles into Israeli towns and cities. I guess they were like “Fuck it, it’s on now…” (See, it’s in the title! Sonny “Jigga is relevant to everything”Redd.) Can you imagine the unmitigated balls?

So, Israel was stuck. They got a letter from Hezbollah saying, “Release Ahmed nem’ that you locked up back in the day when Ahmed nem’ were plotting to blow up buses and we’ll send you back Ari ‘nem.” Israel said…


wait for it…



wait for it…



“Fuck no.”

And I don’t blame them one bit. But then, because Ahmed ‘nem were Palestinians (the small country who’s folks I identified with till I saw them doing the fucking Cha Cha Slide on September 11th) the Palestinians were all like, “Yeah, we want Ahmed ‘nem back. Fuckers.”

So now, Israel is stuck between a rock and a hard place, because while they share a border with Lebanon, the fucking Palestinians are in the middle of their fucking country.

So, they did what many are calling the classic overreaction. They started blowing shit up. Everything. Airports. Homes. Shit, prolly a Starbucks or two got “blowed up” in the whole thing.

But the whole thing is a fucking set up.

Hezbollah is a political party comprised of Shia Muslims. I am of the belief (and any reader with any knowledge may inform me) that Shia, Sunni, and ‘insert Muslim group here’ are largely ethnic in nature. I know that they are both denominations, and that their fight lies in who, after Mohamed’s death, was the rightful Sheik. But regardless, Hezbollah is a Shia group. Moreover, Hezbollah is funded, in full or in part, by Iran and Syria, two Shia Muslim governments.

And that’s where the set-up lies. Think about it, Israel has been relatively quiet for the better part of 2006. The Palestinians have been trying to get their shit together, and Beirut has been a non-entity since Regan was in office. But, Iran has been continually calling Israel a blight; a tumor on the Middle East. And Iran went and got one of them fancy-dancy New-Clu-Yar [© G.W. Bush] power plants.

And the world was none too pleased with Iran going “New-Clear.” Not that I blame the world. Anybody who believes that blowing yourself up is the key to a bunch of virgins (really, can you imagine eternity with 72 Virgins? That sounds like hell to me. All those teeth on the royal pole…damn. Not to mention, I gotta take care of 72 baby’s mommas for all eternity? I’ll pass. And eternal tight booty? Bloody tight booty? I’m no Catholic priest. And this is a bigoted digression.) can't have nkes. Not on your fucking life. I like nukes in the hands of folks who want money. Cause what good is money in the middle of a fucking nuclear winter? Thus, no chance of nuclear warfar. But fuckers who are out for 72 virgins? Them fuckers don't want money. Them fuckers scare even me.

But, Iran going New-Clear took a back seat to Lil’ Kim, who popped off a few broken missiles into the Sea of Japan. (This Lil’ Kim is Kim Jong Il. Sorry Lucky, you was using it wrong. You made it a hype sentence, I made it a hype analogy. Sonny “Can you see why I’m not a rapper?”Redd.) And now to Hezbollah.

See, if I wanted to build me a “New-Clear” weapon without the threat of interference from Scooby Doo and those meddling kids, I’d give them something to worry about. Something like missiles launched from the back of Isuzu trucks (wonder how much the optional missile launcher costs and why I don’t have one for rush hour?), behind some useless prisoners who’ve been locked up since way before Steven Spielberg made Munich (a great movie, btw).

So now Israel is doing exactly what anyone with common sense thought they would, blowing up er’body to put the pressure on Hezbollah. And they come off looking like the Bad-Guy.

But they ain’t the bad-guy. I’ll be the first to admit, they have acted like straight pricks at times in the past. Not that I can blame them, but still, a country ought to have more dignity than to play the “hit me and I’ll hit you back” game, but this time they didn’t hit anyone. They haven’t done shit in a long time. Hell, the only thing they did was to build a wall to keep folk out. Part of me (the emotional, reactionary part) wishes we would do the same thing along the Mexican border, but I digress (outside of parentheses, no less).

The point is, this thing is going to get uglier before it gets better. If I’m Israel, I am invading Lebanon sometime next week – they already have troops across the border. Meanwhile, Iran is shaping up to be a royal pain in the ass.

The only other concern, and perhaps this is because I’ve read too many comic books (By the way, I just purchased Dell Comics “Lobo” No. 1, which is the first mainstream comic to have a black leading character. Too bad it wasn’t published until 1965. Marvel Comics wouldn’t have a black superhero until 1966 – the Black Panther—Fantastic Four # 52 [I own that one, too] and Superman’s Publisher DC? Not until 1977 [I was four…]. And this is a “Black history is American History” digression.) in my time, but…

What if Iran really wanted an excuse to launch a nuclear (this isn’t a funny thought) attack on Israel? What if they – correctly – determined that the only shot they have at expelling the U.S.A. and Israel (and er’body else) from the Middle East, is to unleash all hell?

Then my friends, we really will have World War III.

And that would suck.

Young [Son] In The House Is So Necessary

No bra with that blouse, that's so necessary
No panties and jeans, that's so necessary
Now why you frontin on me, is that necessary?

It is Wednesday – look at the clock – and I have come through with yet another episode of Fell Clutch. And you shouldn’t be surprised. I’m a “clutch” hitter. My problem, dear readers, is that my time has not been as plentiful as it once was. Ahh. Such is life. I suppose I could complain if I were broke, or unemployed, or “gasp” broke and unemployed. So I will spare you my personal bemoaning about how “busy” I’ve been. Some of youse wouldn’t believe me if I told youse that anyway.

Well, do I have a humm dinger for you. If your 5 year old son wanted to dress up like a girl when he goes to kindergarten, would you let him? What if the school district said it was okay?

In Broward County, Florida, school officals have decided to let a little boy, who ironically, reports refer to as “Pat” (It’s Pat! Who’s is Pat? Better yet, what the hell is a Pat? Live from New York, it’s a digression!), will be entering kindergarten as a girl. In a dress. And stockings. For real.

According to the Miami Herald, the boy has been diagnosed with gender dysphoria, a fancy term for being trans-gendered. This 5 year old boy is a he/she. I am incensed, and the world has really gone to hell in a handbasket.

A freaking five year old…dresses like a girl…and this is okay? Moreover, why should my 5 year old, Sonny Jr., has to be exposed to cross dressers, and I’m not supposed to have a problem with it. Well paint me a bigot, cause that bothers the heck out of me.

And this is my bigoted half-attempt at a post. Lucky come on Friday, so there.

In other news, I am debating my use of the word, “nigga.” Carlos Mencia, the self-described “beaner” thinks he can use it. I’m not feeling that. At all.

The World’s Facing Terror

Bin Laden been happenin in Manhattan
Crack was anthrax back then, back when
Police was Al'Qaeda to black men
While I was out there hustling sinning with no religion
He was off the wall killing for a living

I am a real American. I mean a -died in the wool- red, white and blue -love it or leave it with my trucker’s hat and Budweiser in the can- American. Not really the stereotype of a young black male surviving in “Amerikkka.” And that is by design. My maternal grandfather fought France in World War II, my other was a Harlem Globetrotter. We are old-school Americans.

I mean I am so American, I litter and care little for the environment. I eat Mc Donalds and litter. If I owned Rite Guard, it would still be in aerosol cans. Ozone? Ozone was in Breakin’ II Electric Boogaloo. America! Fuck yeah!

So what does a man who was raised on G.I. Joe (Knowing IS half the battle), and Rambo (both the movies AND the cartoons) do when he wakes to discover that we are being hoodwinked…bamboozled… That we didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us… I’ll tell you…An American uses what remains of his Constitutional rights to inform other Americans what is going on. So that’s what I’m gonna do.

I’m sure we have all heard of “think tanks.” But how many of us know what they are? And more importantly, how they bear on my post today (because, as you all know, it is all about me. And this is a self-aware digression.). Think tanks are generally non-profit entities that, for all intents and purposes, finance scholarly research. Anything entity who has the word “institute”, “commission”, or “project” in its name is likely a think tank. Many think tanks are benevolent in purpose. And all think tanks have a point of view to promote; global warming, aids is bad, homosexuality is bad, homosexuality is good, black people are inferior, America is God’s gift to the world, America is bad. In fact there are so many think tanks that just about any point of view can be expressed at any time. Hell, I think I am going to start my own and call it, The Fell Clutch Institute of Intellectual Development and Sonnyredd Upliftment Project.” Sounds real good, huh? And impressive, too.


Well, think tanks don’t just fund scholarly research. Oh, not by a long shot. Hell, if that is all they did, there wouldn’t be much upside. No my friends, think tanks form and shape the policies of your government. That is what they were created to do. Ever wonder why Christian Evangelicals are pro-lower taxes. Jesus never said, “Let not Caesar taxeth yon capital gains.” Matter fact, he said render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s. But it was some scholarly paper written by some middle aged ex-ivy league professor that tied together two disparate communities, the Evangelicals and the Billionaires, into one heck of a un-holy alliance. (Unless of course, you’re T.D. Jakes. And this is a righteous indignation digression.)

So what do they do once they have cobbled together years of bad research? Give it to the only sons of bitches who are stupid enough to believe it. That’s right, your politicians. And there, my friends, is where the up-side is. Shaping political thought. Making policy.

In and of itself, it isn’t a bad thing. I am in favor of educating the ignorant. It’s like intellectual affirmative action. Give a politician some semblance of fact, and the perfectly coiffed empty suit has a thought. That is a good thing.

Cept’ when the empty suit in question takes bad counsel. And it’s made even worse when said empty suit is the most powerful man on the planet.

For instance, take the Project for a New American Century. It’s a perfectly innocuous (S.A.T. word alert…means harmless. And this is alternately a “And now you know” or “Condescending bastard” digression depending on whether or not you knew that.) name. Sounds like a bunch of Mormons got together with Mennonites and Quakers to form some good-will association. Like the ultimate American Homeowners Association, without the politics.

But alas, names can be deceiving. See, according to William Cristol, the project’s chairman:

The Project for the New American Century is a non-profit educational organization dedicated to a few fundamental propositions: that American leadership is good both for America and for the world; and that such leadership requires military strength, diplomatic energy and commitment to moral principle.

The Project for the New American Century intends, through issue briefs, research papers, advocacy journalism, conferences, and seminars, to explain what American world leadership entails. It will also strive to rally support for a vigorous and principled policy of American international involvement and to stimulate useful public debate on foreign and defense policy and America's role in the world.

Lets break that down, shall we? “American leadership is good both for America and for the world…” What kind of leadership? Why, “American world leadership,” of course. Silly heads. And how would we accomplish this world leadership? Why, “military strength, diplomatic energy and commitment to moral principle,” of course.

So, America, first through force of arms, and then through diplomatic negotiations, will lead the world according to moral principle. Fuck you and bullshit!

See, Bill Cristol would have been better served to use the theme to Team America: World Police as his opening statement. Sing along with me, now:

America, fuck yeah!
Comin' again to save the motherfucking day, yeah!
America, fuck yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah!
Terrorists, your game is through, 'cause now you have to answer to / America, fuck yeah!
So lick my butt and suck on my balls! / America, fuck yeah! What you gonna do when we come for you now!
(Courtesy of IMDB.com)

Now, I am not opposed to this attitude. Hell, I have it. America is the biggest and baddest on the block. Damn right! Hell Yeah and Yee Haw!

But…we are not equipped to be the police force of the world. Hell policing the damn world is how we lost the damn towers in the first fucking place.

And do you know why we are not equipped? Because we have no sense of history. As a land, we have been around for 450 years, as a country, a mere 230 years. There are corporations in the world who have corporate debt older than us.

And as a result, our perspective is skewed. Skewed, so much in fact, that we are far more married to our notions of right and wrong than the world should ever be subject to.

The Project for the New American Century wants America to rule the world and spread freedom. But, who’s freedom? And how do you force a country to adopt our notions of freedom, particularly when we ain’t all happy with our “morals” as it is? Essentially, they want the rest of the world to have the same government as we do. And this is wrong.

I am no friend to militant Islam, but I have to respect a people’s right to choose for themselves that form of government. I am no fan of Socialism or communism, but I recognize that in very limited environments, such governments work well for the people. Or at the very least, the people deserve a shot at making that choice for themselves.

If Bill Cristol gets his way, we’ll be the Roman Empire all over again. And all Empires must fall. Ask the British.

And why, friends, do I waste your time AND mine, railing against some stupid think tank that nobody ever heard of? Because, according to wikipedia (and if it is there then it must be true...for the site, click the link above.), these are the members of the Bush White House who are also members of the PNAC:

Elliott Abrams- National Security Council

Richard Armitage - Department of State (2001-2005); Deputy Secretary of State

John R. Bolton - Department of State; U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations; Previously served as Undersecretary for Arms Control and International Security Affairs in the first administration of GWB

Richard Cheney - Vice President and PNAC Founder

Seth Cropsey - Voice of America; Director of the International Broadcasting Bureau

Paula Dobriansky - Department of State; Undersecretary of State for Global Affairs

Francis Fukuyama - President's Council on Bioethics; Professor of International Political Economy at Johns Hopkins University

Bruce Jackson - U.S. Committee on NATO President

Zalmay Khalilzad - U.S. Embassy Baghdad, Iraq; U.S.Ambassador to Iraq; Previously served as U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan from November 2003 to June 2005

I. Lewis Libby - Former Chief of Staff for the Vice President Indicted by Grand Jury on charges of Obstruction of Justice, False Statements and Perjury and resigned October 28, 2005.

Peter W. Rodman - Department of Defense; Assistant Secretary of Defense for International Security

Donald Rumsfeld - Department of Defense Secretary of Defense; PNAC founder and previously Chairman of the Board of Gilead Sciences Developer of Tamiflu

Randy Scheunemann - U.S. Committee on NATO, Project on Transitional Democracies, International Republican Institute Member; Founded the Committee for the Liberation of Iraq.

Paul Wolfowitz - World Bank, President; Deputy Secretary of Defense, 2001-2005

Dov S. Zakheim - Department of Defense, Comptroller; Former V.P. of System Planning Corp.

Robert B. Zoellick - Department of State, Deputy Secretary of State
Office of the United States Trade Representative (2001-2005)

Wow! Quite a list of VIP’s huh? Makes you wonder, really wonder if we really were sold down the river. I cast no aspersions. I will offer no conspiracy theories as to 9/11 (That’s what the comments are for.) But I do point out, with horror, that those involved in shaping our relationship in the world are out to create an American Empire. So, of course there were no WMD's. And of course Saddam knew nothing about Al Queida. And of fucking course, Osama Bin Laden is more valuable alive, instigating and rabble rousing, than dead. He is the "enemy," and to build an Empire, one simply MUST have an enemy.

I also note that a country as schizophrenic and reactionary as ours is ill equipped to provide such leadership. We are great beating an enemy. Ask Germany. Ask Russia. Ask Iraq.

But we ain’t so great at cleaning up the mess. Ask Germany, either one-East or West. Ask Russia. And definitely ask Iraq.

The Doors Of The Church Are Now Reopened… AND FABULOUS!!!

~Young Lucky

…I'm working out hard still at age 60, trying to retard age, riding hard.

~President Bush July 6, People Magazine Interivew.


"Riding hard?" Oh boy.

In light of Sonny’s recent meanderings on the Black church as well as a short but fairly interesting discussion of gay marriage by the Washington Post, topped by a discussion (argument) I’ve been having with a grown as person this past week, I feel compelled to take a stab (pun intended) at gay marriage

A few weeks ago, President Bush in desperate need of a political boost from his growingly disgruntled base, went to the bench and called on the ever-reliable vote to ban gay marriage. I call it the Serena Williams Amendment. Why Serena you ask? She’s fresh, she gets her fans energized, it’s nice to see her ass out there on the court, but in the end Serena is almost ALWAYS disappointing. Don’t worry thought, just like the marriage amendment, Serena’s fans will be out there to watch next go round. (OR maybe next time, President Bush will pull out the Venus Williams Amendment, also known as a ban on abortion.)

I grew up in the church. For grammar school, I went to a white, Christian, conservative private institution. My family and I went to church upwards to three times a week and while I used to complain about it then, some of the greatest lessons in my life have been taught at the 7:00 AM service on Sunday morning. (You know how churches like to wake Niggas up).

I give you a quick biography to show that I am by no means a crazy radical leftist morally relative liberal who views gay marriage as one crucial piece to achieving the ultimate goal of, I don’t know…communism. No, I just can’t figure this one out.

The Black church is ridden with not only pocket heavy ministers but with a congregation that sometimes lacks critical thinking skills. The church welcomes 15-year-old Tanisha who is having a baby outside of marriage…. They welcome Rashaan who’s embarking on his 4th marriage… they help Mr Jenkins back into rehab and accept him when he gets out… but Brother Howard, the minister of music, whose actions are hurting no one but himself (if he’s a bottom) ... He’s a fag! Ew! Gross! That’s UN-ACC-EPTABLE.

And while the actions of Tanisha and the rest will no doubt bring judgment, trash talk and rejection from a loving, tolerant, accepting Black church, fags and dikes…well they get the added bonus of hate speech and constitutional legislation. Whaaa?? Here in Boston, churches that wont gay bash have grown accustom attaching rainbow flags on their doors (as if we are living in prewar Germany.)



"If the KKK opposes gay marriage, I would ride with them," Reverend Gregory Daniels, a black minister from Chicago


Dumb ass church Negro. The Church Negro’s argument against gays differs from the other positions. Below are some of my favorites:

1) I hate when those gays say that their civil rights are being violated! What do they know about civil rights.

Excuse me? Bitch, what do YOU know about civil rights?! Notwithstanding a quick trip around the corner to KFC, these mothafuckers haven’t marched ANYWHERE. In fact, those who have marched (Al Sharpton, Corretta Scott King, and the members of the CBC all support gay rights). Secondly The last time I checked, Black folks don’t have strict ownership over civil rights. Niggas didn’t Copyright that shit. And as far as I’m concerned, whenever the parental role of an adopted child is dependant upon which state I’m in, I sure as hell gonna claim a violation of my civil rights.


2) Well…God Damn it Young Lucky, it’s a choice! A choice I say! You don’t see that mess going around the black church

Oh yeah? It’s a choice. I’m a struggling black man in the South. I choose to live a life of secrecy and shame (until the age of 60 when I’m caught enjoying a copy of “Long Dong Silver” [a Clarence Thomas digression.]) Furthermore, since the verdict is out on homosexual biogenetics, the only way one could know it’s a choice, is if they in fact chose that choice. And gay and lesbian blacks are all over the God damn place – probably sitting behind ye ole’ church organ in his fly purple suit from Penny’s.


3) Whatever Lucky, it’s their upbringing. There parents made them like this. Daughters to close to their fathers… Mothers to close to their sons.

Tell that to Mary Cheney. Tell that to Maya Marcel-Keyes, the daughter of Alan Keyes, the bug-eyed former Senate opponent of Barrack Obama. I’m sure these two ladies grew up in households where vagina was always an option on the menu. Mr Keyes, you should have never bought your daughter that Birkenstock Barbie! Now look what happened!

The last time I checked, churches can’t marry people anyway. Only the government can. Are marriages outside the church not recognized by God? Are marriages performed solely by the Government not recognized by the church.? Or are the two mutually exclusive. It’s time for the black church to have an HONEST discussion about homosexuality. OR Send Serena’s ass back to the bench and let’s focus on the real issues. You know what they are.

I'm Raised Different

react in situations Niggas lay stiff in,
rookies blame it on the age difference...

This one is gonna be short. I gotta catch a flight, but a promise is a promise. Monday, Wednesday and Friday you were promised, and I will deliver.

When the pressure is on, the very first thing you have to do is...STOP. See, I was reminded today, as I fielded frantic calls and email from every possible angle. This one is frantic that the sky is falling, that one is frantic because the water's rising.

Do you know what gives me calm? Three things, and I am sharing them with you.

1. Never take ownership of that which isn't yours. I cannot go into panic mode for someone else. Worry? Sure. Show and be concerned? Absolutely. Assume their panic/depression/defeat as my own? Nope. That is the problem with over-emoting. I'm not doing it. If it is a problem, we'll handle it. If you don't want to handle it, don't bother me with it either.

2. Only 5% of the problem is the problem itself. The other 95% of the problem is how we handle it. How we react and respond to the situation makes all the difference. Period.

3. Do one thing at a time. Folks love to multi-task. We all need to sometimes. Except in crisis. In crisis, do one thing, and do it well. Think of it like this; if it is raining and your in a leaky boat trying to fix a dam that has sprung a leak, fix one thing at a time. Start with the dam, or the boat. It doesn't matter which one. But do one thing at a time. Don't (as so many people do) use one hand to fix the leaky boat, use another to hold an umbrella, and stick your foot in the dam. That is stupid.


On that note, hope everyone had a wonderful 4th. I am off to the airport. See ya's on Friday.

In The Maybach Benz …In Los Angeles, Like An Evangelist…

I can introduce you to your maker
Bring you closer to nature
Ashes after they cremate you bastards
Hope you been readin’ your Psalms and chapters
Payin’ your tithe, bein’ good Catholics, I'm comin’!

Yes-ah! Chuuur-cha! Hmmm. Yesss. We’d like to thank brother Carter for that wonderful, wonderful hymn. Can I get an Amen for our Minister of Music? Yes. And unlike so many other ministers of music, ours likes women! ‘Cause no church is more homo-phobic than the black church. Unless them boys with the long nails and the shiny hair can sang. Then we call them ‘joyful.’ Yes, we are truly blessed church indeed!

Before today's lesson church, one announcement. Your good Pastor, the right [juris] Doctor Sonny Redd, will be preaching on Mondays and Wednesdays from here on out. Fridays will be the youth-ministry with young Lucky X providing insights. Amen? Amen.

Now brothers and sistahs, today’s sermon here at the right good church of The Fell Clutch of Circumstance shall focus on what we always focus on here- money! Yes. Ours is a prosperity church. If you give, I… prosper. Can I get an Amen?

Church, I have preached on this topic before. And I don’t make it a habit to repeat myself, being a one-minded Pastor. But it rears its ugly head again, and needs to be addressed. So today’s lesson comes to us from Paul’s First letter to Timothy, chapter 6, verses 2-8.

And let’s read from the only version that matters, the King James Bible:

2 And they that have believing masters, let them not despise them, because they are brethren; but rather do them service, because they are faithful and beloved, partakers of the benefit. These things teach and exhort.

3 If any man teach otherwise, and consent not to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness;

4 He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings,
knowing

5 Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.

6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.

7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.

8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.

Now, brethren, please. I know and understand that the archaic poetry may be confusing to you. Yes. But, that is why I am here. Paul told Timothy, if your Pastor is a good man, follow him. But, if any man teaches other than the doctrine of being “like Christ,” that man is proud and knows nothing. Timothy isn’t even allowed to entertain the arguments of these men. Oh, no. He tells Timothy, that those who believe that they should profit from the Word are devoid of the truth. Paul says, basically, that aside from food and clothing, a man of God should not seek, nor should he accept, riches and wealth.

Yet, today the most famous men of God in the country all seek and promise you wealth. They say “give and you shall get.” Jesus said “give.” See the difference in their messages? Do you see the men who we are dealing with? These men do not glorify Jesus.

Let’s talk about T.D. Jakes. He calls himself a bishop. He drives a 'Lex and a Bentley. I call him a fraud. A deceiver. A liar. (and, I am hating on the Bentley. The congregation needs to remember their offerings to the church).

You see, there are many of you who will only deal in what the good Book says, and because I am a man of fact, let the facts speak. I know you have heard the phase, “For the love of money is the root of all evil.” That phase comes from this same passage in Timothy. When we turn with our scornful eyes and tell each other, “You know that money is the root of all evil,” you misuse the phase. That phase was meant for the Pastors. The Shepard’s of the flock.

For instance brethren, a trip to tdjakes.org, yields no mention of the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Look for it. It ain’t there. In fact, the word “God” ain’t there. Now, I’m no T.D. Fakes…umm, Jakes, but I would believe that such a site would open up with mentioning our Lord. Or, possibly even a scripture? If you go to the “links” section, no mention of the Bible, or even a link to one of the thousands of free Bible sites. But you can buy his books. His books. Again, no bibles for sale.

But, surely while this is the man’s website, his church’s site would be different? Surely, when we go to thepottershouse.org/ we find mention of Jesus? Don’t we? That would be “no.” And to make the “no” worse, I don’t know what you were told, but I was taught that when we pray, we pray in the “name of Jesus.” But Fakes’ prayer is in his own name.

Who are you praying to when you give this man money? Are you praying to Jesus, or to him? I say now that he has become the golden calf and you the Israelites.

But let’s not single out Brother Fakes, for certainly he isn’t alone in his mad deceitful delusions. After all, there is Dr. Creflo Dollar, whose only doctorate is an honorary degree from Oral Roberts University. And of course, Bishop Eddie Long. Yes brothers, we are in the last days indeed…

Let me tell you of my calling-to tell the truth, and dispell the myths. Perspective is my calling. Today’s truth is that there is a very destructive force preying upon the black community, "the prosperity doctrine."

The prosperity doctrine is a recent invention of second rate theologians and outright scammers. This doctrine teaches that God wants all Christians to be wealthy, and that by telling God that you “want in” on this particular Holy Ponzi scheme, and more importantly by giving generously to the church, you too shall be wealthy and magical checks will grace your mailbox, for 100 times your tithe. This is a religion built not on any foundation, but on the idea that “cash rules everything around me –c.r.e.a.m. Creflo dollar-dollar bill, y’all.”

Some of these cats, Creflo Dollar comes to mind, teach that Jesus wasn’t a poor man, that he wore designer clothes, and drove the Bentley of his day, the ass he rode into Jerusalem on. Their argument is that, if Jesus needed a treasurer – namely Judas – and a staff, that he was paid. (Bishop Don Magic Juan opined that he was a pimp, and Mary Magdalene, his bottom trick – I lie to you not!)

There are two problems with the prosperity doctrine from where I sit; one social, the other spiritual. Socially, the prosperity church culls its membership from the poorest and most ill-equipped to give. Frequently, and most importantly to me, this is black people. Though, I feel that any man defrauded in the name of God is entitled to retribution, no matter his color. But honestly, the black church is the single most profitable business in the black community, and it siphons hundreds of millions, if not billions, of dollars out of the community and in to “mega-churches” where little, if anything is free.

What use is a $16 million chapel in the ghetto?

Do you know how the Korean immigrant does so well in America? He can go to his church and ask for a business loan. I’d bet that he – the Korean immigrant- is not alone in this ability.

Few black churches give small business loans. Few co-sign the debts of their members to foster prosperity among their members. Sure, some have credit unions, but the terms are identical if not worse than loans at a Bank of America.

Worse, the doctrine is spiritually damning. Spiritually, the doctrine treats God as a personal ATM. It does not teach its followers to work hard and be diligent, it teaches them that proper giving is the key to happiness. While the merits of giving, and the context are (fortunately) a biblical debate for another day, never-ever-ever were we to refrain from diligence and achievement.

When I was a child, my mother routinely told me the same parable. Whether it had special meaning for her, or was the only one she knew (a point that I doubt, though because I cried like ‘Damien’ in ‘The Omen’ every time we went near a church as a child, it is possible. And this is a Revelation Digression. What, you thought you weren’t gonna get one? And I owe you a “Pun? Me? Never.” for the revelation thing, but that would be greedy. T.D. Jakes greedy.)

It is the story of the Talents, from Matthew 25:14-30. To make a short story shorter, a man went to three of his servants. He gave to each one some cash, but he did it according to ability. To the smartest, he gave the most, 5 bucks. Then the guy in the middle, he got 2 bucks. Then there was the slow guy, he got 1 buck. The man went off and left the servants. When he got back, he called all three servants in. The dude he gave 5 to, put that 5 to work and returned 10 bucks. Similarly, the guy who got 2 gave 4. So the man turns to his 3rd servant, and says, “what’chu got?” The servant said, “I was scared that you’d want your buck back, so I buried it until you got back.” To which the man got hot and said, “you lazy moron. You could have at least taken it to the bank and got me some interest!”

The lord wants you to put your cash to work. Not give him your last penny. Cause if you put it to work, you’ll have more to give. If you put it to work in your own community, you'll be performing one of the two great commandments...loving your brother as you love the Lord.

Though I suppose that the story could also be read to mean that it is okay to fleece the poor, seeing as they won’t put the money to use anyway. In which case church, your pastor, the good [juris] Dr. Sonny Redd needs a Bentley.

The doors of the church are now open...