Force Your Hand…

of course that man is plottin’
Smarten up, the [world] is watching,
it's on…

Allow me this opportunity to say that the best thing about our 24 hour news networks is that we get to see the best fights in the world, for free. (Okay, that was a liberal use of “free” considering my cable bill is $100.00 a month, $130 after taxes and fees for who knows what. And this is a “damn my cable bill is high” digression.)

And I’m not talking about Tyson-Jones – because let’s face it, the world is waiting to see Iron Mike and Roy Jones bang it out – but global prize fights with real world ramifications. Cause for real, Israel is banging out Lebanon right now. This shit is great T.V. with a mystery, clues, intrigue and outright violence right there in front of you.

And as the street’s real CNN (I don’t care what these rappers are screaming. Until a woman having a phat booty is news, them niggas [yeah, I haven’t sworn off the word yet, but its time is drawing near] ain’t really displaying any journalistic talents, now are they? And this is alternately a “I hate Southern Hip-hop” or “ghetto CNN? Get the fuck outta here…” digression.) cause black folks don’t watch that show they call the news since BET got bought out by Viacom, I think it best to update y’all on who’s who, and what’s what in this new round of fighting in the Middle East.

The story started last week, when some Hezbollah guerillas (generally, I distain using such words because of its connotations, but it fits) left Lebanon, crossed over into Israel, and ambushed a group of Israeli troops traveling in a pair of Humvees. In the course of the fight, the Hezbollah attackers killed several soldiers and took 2 Israeli soldiers hostage. With their hostages in tow, the guerillas crossed the border back into Lebanon.

Who is Hezbollah? Hezbollah is a political party in Lebanon, so to put it in perspective, imagine if a bunch of Republicans snuck across the Mexico border and shot up the Mexican Border patrol. Wait a minute…the Mexicans don’t have a border patrol, do they? Alas, that is a post for another day.

So wait, because the story gets better. In addition to sneaking across the border, shooting up a bunch of soldiers and taking hostages, Hezbollah then started to launch missiles into Israeli towns and cities. I guess they were like “Fuck it, it’s on now…” (See, it’s in the title! Sonny “Jigga is relevant to everything”Redd.) Can you imagine the unmitigated balls?

So, Israel was stuck. They got a letter from Hezbollah saying, “Release Ahmed nem’ that you locked up back in the day when Ahmed nem’ were plotting to blow up buses and we’ll send you back Ari ‘nem.” Israel said…


wait for it…



wait for it…



“Fuck no.”

And I don’t blame them one bit. But then, because Ahmed ‘nem were Palestinians (the small country who’s folks I identified with till I saw them doing the fucking Cha Cha Slide on September 11th) the Palestinians were all like, “Yeah, we want Ahmed ‘nem back. Fuckers.”

So now, Israel is stuck between a rock and a hard place, because while they share a border with Lebanon, the fucking Palestinians are in the middle of their fucking country.

So, they did what many are calling the classic overreaction. They started blowing shit up. Everything. Airports. Homes. Shit, prolly a Starbucks or two got “blowed up” in the whole thing.

But the whole thing is a fucking set up.

Hezbollah is a political party comprised of Shia Muslims. I am of the belief (and any reader with any knowledge may inform me) that Shia, Sunni, and ‘insert Muslim group here’ are largely ethnic in nature. I know that they are both denominations, and that their fight lies in who, after Mohamed’s death, was the rightful Sheik. But regardless, Hezbollah is a Shia group. Moreover, Hezbollah is funded, in full or in part, by Iran and Syria, two Shia Muslim governments.

And that’s where the set-up lies. Think about it, Israel has been relatively quiet for the better part of 2006. The Palestinians have been trying to get their shit together, and Beirut has been a non-entity since Regan was in office. But, Iran has been continually calling Israel a blight; a tumor on the Middle East. And Iran went and got one of them fancy-dancy New-Clu-Yar [© G.W. Bush] power plants.

And the world was none too pleased with Iran going “New-Clear.” Not that I blame the world. Anybody who believes that blowing yourself up is the key to a bunch of virgins (really, can you imagine eternity with 72 Virgins? That sounds like hell to me. All those teeth on the royal pole…damn. Not to mention, I gotta take care of 72 baby’s mommas for all eternity? I’ll pass. And eternal tight booty? Bloody tight booty? I’m no Catholic priest. And this is a bigoted digression.) can't have nkes. Not on your fucking life. I like nukes in the hands of folks who want money. Cause what good is money in the middle of a fucking nuclear winter? Thus, no chance of nuclear warfar. But fuckers who are out for 72 virgins? Them fuckers don't want money. Them fuckers scare even me.

But, Iran going New-Clear took a back seat to Lil’ Kim, who popped off a few broken missiles into the Sea of Japan. (This Lil’ Kim is Kim Jong Il. Sorry Lucky, you was using it wrong. You made it a hype sentence, I made it a hype analogy. Sonny “Can you see why I’m not a rapper?”Redd.) And now to Hezbollah.

See, if I wanted to build me a “New-Clear” weapon without the threat of interference from Scooby Doo and those meddling kids, I’d give them something to worry about. Something like missiles launched from the back of Isuzu trucks (wonder how much the optional missile launcher costs and why I don’t have one for rush hour?), behind some useless prisoners who’ve been locked up since way before Steven Spielberg made Munich (a great movie, btw).

So now Israel is doing exactly what anyone with common sense thought they would, blowing up er’body to put the pressure on Hezbollah. And they come off looking like the Bad-Guy.

But they ain’t the bad-guy. I’ll be the first to admit, they have acted like straight pricks at times in the past. Not that I can blame them, but still, a country ought to have more dignity than to play the “hit me and I’ll hit you back” game, but this time they didn’t hit anyone. They haven’t done shit in a long time. Hell, the only thing they did was to build a wall to keep folk out. Part of me (the emotional, reactionary part) wishes we would do the same thing along the Mexican border, but I digress (outside of parentheses, no less).

The point is, this thing is going to get uglier before it gets better. If I’m Israel, I am invading Lebanon sometime next week – they already have troops across the border. Meanwhile, Iran is shaping up to be a royal pain in the ass.

The only other concern, and perhaps this is because I’ve read too many comic books (By the way, I just purchased Dell Comics “Lobo” No. 1, which is the first mainstream comic to have a black leading character. Too bad it wasn’t published until 1965. Marvel Comics wouldn’t have a black superhero until 1966 – the Black Panther—Fantastic Four # 52 [I own that one, too] and Superman’s Publisher DC? Not until 1977 [I was four…]. And this is a “Black history is American History” digression.) in my time, but…

What if Iran really wanted an excuse to launch a nuclear (this isn’t a funny thought) attack on Israel? What if they – correctly – determined that the only shot they have at expelling the U.S.A. and Israel (and er’body else) from the Middle East, is to unleash all hell?

Then my friends, we really will have World War III.

And that would suck.