In The Maybach Benz …In Los Angeles, Like An Evangelist…

I can introduce you to your maker
Bring you closer to nature
Ashes after they cremate you bastards
Hope you been readin’ your Psalms and chapters
Payin’ your tithe, bein’ good Catholics, I'm comin’!

Yes-ah! Chuuur-cha! Hmmm. Yesss. We’d like to thank brother Carter for that wonderful, wonderful hymn. Can I get an Amen for our Minister of Music? Yes. And unlike so many other ministers of music, ours likes women! ‘Cause no church is more homo-phobic than the black church. Unless them boys with the long nails and the shiny hair can sang. Then we call them ‘joyful.’ Yes, we are truly blessed church indeed!

Before today's lesson church, one announcement. Your good Pastor, the right [juris] Doctor Sonny Redd, will be preaching on Mondays and Wednesdays from here on out. Fridays will be the youth-ministry with young Lucky X providing insights. Amen? Amen.

Now brothers and sistahs, today’s sermon here at the right good church of The Fell Clutch of Circumstance shall focus on what we always focus on here- money! Yes. Ours is a prosperity church. If you give, I… prosper. Can I get an Amen?

Church, I have preached on this topic before. And I don’t make it a habit to repeat myself, being a one-minded Pastor. But it rears its ugly head again, and needs to be addressed. So today’s lesson comes to us from Paul’s First letter to Timothy, chapter 6, verses 2-8.

And let’s read from the only version that matters, the King James Bible:

2 And they that have believing masters, let them not despise them, because they are brethren; but rather do them service, because they are faithful and beloved, partakers of the benefit. These things teach and exhort.

3 If any man teach otherwise, and consent not to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness;

4 He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings,
knowing

5 Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.

6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.

7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.

8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.

Now, brethren, please. I know and understand that the archaic poetry may be confusing to you. Yes. But, that is why I am here. Paul told Timothy, if your Pastor is a good man, follow him. But, if any man teaches other than the doctrine of being “like Christ,” that man is proud and knows nothing. Timothy isn’t even allowed to entertain the arguments of these men. Oh, no. He tells Timothy, that those who believe that they should profit from the Word are devoid of the truth. Paul says, basically, that aside from food and clothing, a man of God should not seek, nor should he accept, riches and wealth.

Yet, today the most famous men of God in the country all seek and promise you wealth. They say “give and you shall get.” Jesus said “give.” See the difference in their messages? Do you see the men who we are dealing with? These men do not glorify Jesus.

Let’s talk about T.D. Jakes. He calls himself a bishop. He drives a 'Lex and a Bentley. I call him a fraud. A deceiver. A liar. (and, I am hating on the Bentley. The congregation needs to remember their offerings to the church).

You see, there are many of you who will only deal in what the good Book says, and because I am a man of fact, let the facts speak. I know you have heard the phase, “For the love of money is the root of all evil.” That phase comes from this same passage in Timothy. When we turn with our scornful eyes and tell each other, “You know that money is the root of all evil,” you misuse the phase. That phase was meant for the Pastors. The Shepard’s of the flock.

For instance brethren, a trip to tdjakes.org, yields no mention of the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Look for it. It ain’t there. In fact, the word “God” ain’t there. Now, I’m no T.D. Fakes…umm, Jakes, but I would believe that such a site would open up with mentioning our Lord. Or, possibly even a scripture? If you go to the “links” section, no mention of the Bible, or even a link to one of the thousands of free Bible sites. But you can buy his books. His books. Again, no bibles for sale.

But, surely while this is the man’s website, his church’s site would be different? Surely, when we go to thepottershouse.org/ we find mention of Jesus? Don’t we? That would be “no.” And to make the “no” worse, I don’t know what you were told, but I was taught that when we pray, we pray in the “name of Jesus.” But Fakes’ prayer is in his own name.

Who are you praying to when you give this man money? Are you praying to Jesus, or to him? I say now that he has become the golden calf and you the Israelites.

But let’s not single out Brother Fakes, for certainly he isn’t alone in his mad deceitful delusions. After all, there is Dr. Creflo Dollar, whose only doctorate is an honorary degree from Oral Roberts University. And of course, Bishop Eddie Long. Yes brothers, we are in the last days indeed…

Let me tell you of my calling-to tell the truth, and dispell the myths. Perspective is my calling. Today’s truth is that there is a very destructive force preying upon the black community, "the prosperity doctrine."

The prosperity doctrine is a recent invention of second rate theologians and outright scammers. This doctrine teaches that God wants all Christians to be wealthy, and that by telling God that you “want in” on this particular Holy Ponzi scheme, and more importantly by giving generously to the church, you too shall be wealthy and magical checks will grace your mailbox, for 100 times your tithe. This is a religion built not on any foundation, but on the idea that “cash rules everything around me –c.r.e.a.m. Creflo dollar-dollar bill, y’all.”

Some of these cats, Creflo Dollar comes to mind, teach that Jesus wasn’t a poor man, that he wore designer clothes, and drove the Bentley of his day, the ass he rode into Jerusalem on. Their argument is that, if Jesus needed a treasurer – namely Judas – and a staff, that he was paid. (Bishop Don Magic Juan opined that he was a pimp, and Mary Magdalene, his bottom trick – I lie to you not!)

There are two problems with the prosperity doctrine from where I sit; one social, the other spiritual. Socially, the prosperity church culls its membership from the poorest and most ill-equipped to give. Frequently, and most importantly to me, this is black people. Though, I feel that any man defrauded in the name of God is entitled to retribution, no matter his color. But honestly, the black church is the single most profitable business in the black community, and it siphons hundreds of millions, if not billions, of dollars out of the community and in to “mega-churches” where little, if anything is free.

What use is a $16 million chapel in the ghetto?

Do you know how the Korean immigrant does so well in America? He can go to his church and ask for a business loan. I’d bet that he – the Korean immigrant- is not alone in this ability.

Few black churches give small business loans. Few co-sign the debts of their members to foster prosperity among their members. Sure, some have credit unions, but the terms are identical if not worse than loans at a Bank of America.

Worse, the doctrine is spiritually damning. Spiritually, the doctrine treats God as a personal ATM. It does not teach its followers to work hard and be diligent, it teaches them that proper giving is the key to happiness. While the merits of giving, and the context are (fortunately) a biblical debate for another day, never-ever-ever were we to refrain from diligence and achievement.

When I was a child, my mother routinely told me the same parable. Whether it had special meaning for her, or was the only one she knew (a point that I doubt, though because I cried like ‘Damien’ in ‘The Omen’ every time we went near a church as a child, it is possible. And this is a Revelation Digression. What, you thought you weren’t gonna get one? And I owe you a “Pun? Me? Never.” for the revelation thing, but that would be greedy. T.D. Jakes greedy.)

It is the story of the Talents, from Matthew 25:14-30. To make a short story shorter, a man went to three of his servants. He gave to each one some cash, but he did it according to ability. To the smartest, he gave the most, 5 bucks. Then the guy in the middle, he got 2 bucks. Then there was the slow guy, he got 1 buck. The man went off and left the servants. When he got back, he called all three servants in. The dude he gave 5 to, put that 5 to work and returned 10 bucks. Similarly, the guy who got 2 gave 4. So the man turns to his 3rd servant, and says, “what’chu got?” The servant said, “I was scared that you’d want your buck back, so I buried it until you got back.” To which the man got hot and said, “you lazy moron. You could have at least taken it to the bank and got me some interest!”

The lord wants you to put your cash to work. Not give him your last penny. Cause if you put it to work, you’ll have more to give. If you put it to work in your own community, you'll be performing one of the two great commandments...loving your brother as you love the Lord.

Though I suppose that the story could also be read to mean that it is okay to fleece the poor, seeing as they won’t put the money to use anyway. In which case church, your pastor, the good [juris] Dr. Sonny Redd needs a Bentley.

The doors of the church are now open...