What You Doin' In L.A., With Philippinos And Eses

Latinos in Chevys, down by Pico with Frederico
I answer all your questions
But then y'all got to go
Now the question I ask you is
How bad you want to know?

Hora-le Holmes! Today I shall get through a whole post without mentioning “Republicans,” “Democrats,” “Liberal” and “Conservative.” (Cept’ for that. I suppose therein lies the danger of stating your accomplishments before you have achieved them. Sonny “Don’t count your chickens before they are a bird in the bush and melt in your mouth, not in your hands”Redd.)

As usual, I will now engage you all in some cheerful banter that will make the environment seem safe and homey, yet be subtly self-serving. (New readers take note: according to my PR department, my evil nature is off-putting. Thus, in an effort to downplay my true villainy, I always start off with some “folksy” sayings, sprinkled with some ebonics and profanity, just to convince the weak minded that I am human. And this is a Jedi Mind Trick digression.)

Now, let’s see…banter…hmmm…I got’s nothing. Wait, we do hustle! And hustle well! I got some things in the pipeline that I am sure you will all enjoy, though we shall save that for another day…soon as my freaking graphic artist hits me back! (Anybody else feel me on how damn frustrating it is dealing with artistic motherfuckers. Ever since Ms. Badu decided to proclaim that she’s “sensitive ‘bout her shit,” artists have been on this whole…“it’s the process, man!” shit. I don’t have time for no processes. And this is a “I’ma call Tyrone ass” digression.)

Anyway…I suppose I have bantered enough. Oh yeah, your boy made somebody’s top 10 bloggers list. Peep it here (July 13th entry.) And that damn Hostess got number one . Let's all feign happiness for her.[dammit woman, just remember who makes the Party crunk when you go all Oprah and what not.]. But then again, I should make all y’all’s [the punctuation problems with ebonics are baffling, who says it ain’t a language] top ten, being the top 10 nigga that I am, but we already know that, don’t we?

Today, I am going to show you some terrifying AND enlightening shit. Terrifying because it will show you how damn sophisticated some of out future obstacles may indeed be. Enlightening because it should act as a beacon to us all.

As we all know, either from watching Colors or American Me (and a hardy ‘no homo’ for THAT reference. I remember chillin’ over a friend of a friend’s spot and thinking, ‘this cat is ghey [not that there is anything wrong with it]’ when he said American Me and Oz were his shit. Oz got downright uncomfortable in the end (no homo). And this is a ‘Who didn’t know about Lance Bass? And Clay Aiken, Missy Elliott and Sisqo too.’ digression.”) that the Mexican gangs be running shit out west. Hell that, and the abundance of red (Krimson) in my wardrobe makes a Sonnyredd trip out west very unlikely.

Anyway, them Mexicans are, like, organized. But don’t take my word for it—according to wikipedia, sheriffs in a county jail found and confiscated the following missive. Seems that new chicanos are sent the rules of gang life upon arrival. The tough part is that this was found in THE COUNTY JAIL. Not, like San Quentin, or Sing Sing, but jail. Where niggas is waiting for their hearings and shit. The niggas who get locked up in the county jail are there on like parking tickets and spousal abuse, and whatever else lowlife non-felons get locked up for. Now, the spelling and grammatical errors are intact, and typical of jailhouse missives, there are loads of misused big words (them not having taken the SAT and all), but this is some scary and relevant shit. Read it and then we’ll discuss:

GREETINGS MI RAZA! THE ENCLOSED H.H.P'S (HOUSEHOLD POLACIES) HAVE BEEN ESTABLISHED AND WILL BE ENFORCED THROUGHOUT "ALL OF SANTA RITA"FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF INSTILLING SELF DISCIPLINE, CONFIDANCE, AND FOREMOST SECURITY WITHIN OUR RANKS..

IT IS IMPARITIVE THAT WE ALL AS A CLOSE KNIT RAZA RECOGNISE TO THE FULLEST OUR OVERALL RESPONSIBILITY'S BY UPHOLDING OUR HIGH STANDARDS IN CONDUCTING ONE SELF IN ACCORDANCE TO OUR SET GUILDELINES..AS OF BEING N.S WE WILL ACKNOWLEDGE AND RESPECT THESE POLICIES; NEVERTHELESS NOT FALTERING OUR WILL TO NOTHING LESS WITHIN THESE SET GUIDELINES..

UPPON COMPLETION OF READ-ING AND GRASPING THE TRUE MEANING OF SAID POLACIES YOU WILL THEN, AND ONLY THEN BE CLEARED TO FUNCTION ON THE SAME LEVEL OF DISCIPLINE AND AWARENESS AS ALL BROTHERS RESIDEING HERE IN "SANTA RITA"..

NOW, FOR SOME ODD REASON OR ANOTHER ONE CAN NOT MEET SAID REQUIREMENTS/GUIDELINES FOR HIS OWN SELFISH REASONS HE WILL REPORT IT TO HIS CHANNEL IMIDIATELY AND THE RIGHT PROCEDURES WILL BE TAKEN TO BETTER HELP FACILITATE HIS NEEDS.

- ..."HENCEFORTH"....

1. OUR N. PROGRAM WILL OPEN AT 8:00 AM AND CLOSE AT 10:00PM..DURING THIS TIME YOU WILL BE SUITED AND BOOTED. AWAKE, ~ - ALERT AND AWARE OF YOUR IMIDIATE SURROUNDINGS..IF YOU CATCH YOUR FELLOW N. "SLIPPIN" ASLEAP TAKE THE INITITIVE TO WAKE HIM UP BEFORE HE GETS D.P ...

2. ONCE AGAIN ALL MOVEMENTS ARE MANDITORY! NO EXCEPTIONS.(THERE IS STRENGTH IN NUMBERS) WE WILL NOT BE CAUGHT SLIPPIN ON ANY LEVELS...

3. A N. WILL ACKNOWLEDGE AND RESPECT HIS AUTHORITY IN CHARGE..ON THE SAME TOKEN NO N. WILL FEEL INFIRIOR TO ONE HOLDING RANK OR POSITION.

4.AT NO TIME WILL ANY N. ENDULGE IN ANY HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVITY, SEX PLAY, HORSE PLAY, SETRIPPIN, INDIVIDUALISM, OR HOMEBOY FAVORITISM.

5. NO RED ON RED ATTACKS/FIGHTING (AMONGST ONE AND OTHER) WILL BE TOLERATED. ALL FUNKING (BARRIO WARFARE) WILL BE LEFT ON THE STREETS.

6. NO DISRESPECTING ANY RAZAS OR K-9 WILL BE TOLERATED FOR IT ONLY JEPORDISES THE CAR AND THE LIVELYHOOD OF OUR PEOPLE..BESIDES WE DONT NEED THE UNWANT-ED AND UNECESSARY HEAT.

7. AT NO TIME WILL THE ABUSEMENT OF ALCOHOL OR ANY HARD DRUG BE TOLERATED. FOR THERE HAVE BE INCIDENTS IN THE PAST THAT WILL NO LONGER BE TOLERATED..WE ARE THE ELIETE AND WILL PRAMOTE PROFESIONAL ISM AND PROPPER CONDUCT AMONGST THE AIMLESS AND MISLEAD..

9. HOUSEHOLD TIENDAS ARE ESTABLISHED FOR ALL NEW ARIVALS AND THOSE LESS FORTUNATE IN NEED. IT IS OUR SOLE DUTY TO PROMOTE UNITY AND CARNALISMO AMONGST OUR PEOPLE. THEREFOR CONTRIBUTEING TO THE THE TIENDA IS HIGHLY ENCOURAGED AND HIGHLY APPRECIATED..

10. POSTING UP AT SHOWERS FOR YOUR FELLOW N. IS ALSO HIGHLY ENCOURAGED..

11. A N. WILL DEFEND HIS HOUSEHOLD TO THE FULLEST NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES OR CONSIQENCES. THIS MEANS STANDING NEXT TO THE CAUSE OR BROTHER IN BATTLE OR STRUGGLE..

12. A N. WILL BE HELD IN HIGH ~ REGARD FOR HIS PHYSICAL AND MENTAL WELLBEING..THEREFOR IT IS STRONGLY ENCOURAGED AS WELL AS MANDITORY THAT YOU BUST DOWN 4 TIMES A WEEK FOR 1 HOUR A DAY..

13. A N. WILL TEACH AND SCHOOL THOSE DESTINED TO THE PINTA..AT NO TIME WILL ANY PORTION OF THESE POLACIES BE MISINTERPRETED ABUSED OR USED FOR PERSONAL GAIN TO DO SO WILL RESULT IN SERIOUS REPROCUSSIONS..

14. A N. WILL ESTABLISH A BRANCH IN UNION WITH ALL THESE SET PROCEDURES, MEANING UNDERSTANDING AND ACKNOWLEDGEING SAID PROCEDURES ARE MANDITORY....

Wow. Them niggas gots rules—no, statutes— man. Like with “Henceforth” and what not. Even if they skipped number 8, I must admit I’m impressed.

Makes you wonder though…why can’t we have the same type of thing in the workplace? Or hell, even in the community. Like their whole purpose is solidarity, mixed with physical and (gasp) mental betterment. Just something to consider.
On the other hand, it is scary that these cats are this organized in the county lock-up. And we don’t speak to that black lady in the cubicle across from us, cause she be actin’ funny on Mondays, like she don’t want to speak.