Lies, damn lies, and statistics...

The world is going to hell in a handbasket. Really. I mean it. Not.

You know, things really arent that bad. I know, I know, G Dub's in the Whitehouse, we are fighting a war in God forsaken lands (but who can blame us, gas is at damn near 3 bucks a gallon- I'm ready to invade Exxon my damn self), and it's going to rain on Saturday. So why am I in such a cheery mood? Simple. There are 2 million people currently incarcerated in the U.S.

That is good news to me. Seriously. That means that there are 250 million Americans who are free!
Stupid statistics.

Today's rant is about the use of statistics to frighten the single most fragile creature God ever put on this planet...Americans.

We are the scared-iest bunch of folks. Some stupid kid gets killed doing a wheelie on his bike down the middle of a major street at rush hour, and what is the American response? All children must wear those silly little helmets that even the most overprotective mother wouldn't have considered
subjecting their child to in 1978. I speak from experience, people.

And whose to blame for this silly law? Well obviously the silly hat makers lobby financed the effort, but the real culprit is statistics. Somebody, somewhere calculated that out of the millions of bike riding children, something like, oh, 5000 kids died from head injuries sustained while riding a bike. This, like all statistics, is the handywork of the devil.

Second example- SARS. Remember, it was the bubonic plague of 2002. All of China was wearing surgical masks to prevent this deadly illness that killed...like 2 percent of its victims. Damn. That's one hellified killer. 2 percent.

Or, and this one comes back to life from time to time, 25 percent of black males are in jail/prison/stealing the tires off your Buick outside. I hate this statistic. I really hate it because it obviously isn't true. There are 250 million people in America (give or take an illegal immirgrant or two), of that about 39 million are black. Of that, roughly half are women. What's that leave? 19 million black men. Now, sterotypes tell us that black folk have alot of children, so for argument's sake lets say that half of them are lil kids. So now you've got 9.5 million black men over the age of 16. If we take another stereotype and assume (wrongly) that HALF the folks in jail are black, then you have 1 million black men in jail.

Assuming all of this to be true, which almost none of it is, then only 11 percent of black men are in jail.

Now, before some of you say, "It's a conspiracy!" Let's examine who promulgates this meaningless drivel...Black people themselves. It is not Newsweek or Time that reports on this nonsense, but black publications, particularly when going on a "hate whitey" rant.

And this morning, Fox News (which I think is funnier than Howard Stern, and I LOVE Stern) runs a story about the "outbreak" of teenage girls who use steroids. Steroids! They even had a 'researcher' from Penn State (my Dad is a Nitiny Lion, he should be ashamed) who claimws that 5 percent of all teenage girls use steroids.

Where? I have yet to see one, let alone 5 out of every 100 teenaged girls on the street. And I have seen some BIG girls. But not because of D-bol. Mostly because of THE BOWL of Hagen Daz that they chow on every night.

Poor Suzy in Iowa. Right now, her mother is preparing to pepper her with questions about steroids. Just because she plays volleyball.

Statisticians are the Devil. One final piece of proof...The Bible says to beware the number of the Beast, 666, which coincidentially is the statistical odds against one of these evil creatures ever, ever, getting one right. I hate statistics.

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It's a C-O-N-spiracy!

I am a Mason. I am the keeper of certain secrets and information that I will never divulge. The main reason that I won’t divulge this information is that I have forgotten most of it. (That’s my story and I am sticking to it.)

I am also unbelievably fascinated by conspiracy theories. I love them. I love them all, from the “well, maybe” to the “ok, you are a nut” variety.

For instance, there are people on this planet, smart enough to program web pages, who believe that the planet Earth is hollow. Empty as my wallet 3 days after payday hollow. Well, not entirely hollow because there is a secret inner sun that warms the mole men who live below. The mole-men have carved tunnels out of the Earth’s inner crust (which is apparently 800 miles thick) and are living in vibrant technological communities right below us.

Mole Men. Really. I just want to know why they aren’t called ant men. Or bunny men. Don’t bunnies live in holes? Google “hollow earth theory” yourself if you don’t believe me.

Another conspiracy involves my organization and relates to our relationship with the devil. I have no comment.

Then there is the JFK conspiracy. Who was really perched atop that Texas book depository? CIA? FBI? Aliens? Hitler? Castro? Sammy “the Bull” Gravano? As a Mason, keeper of the eternal secrets from the masses, I’ll give you a hint, but only if you promise not to tell. Promise? No, you have to really promise. Ok. Oliver Stone’s papa, Rolland Stone did it. You think I’m kidding. I’m dead serious. In a nefarious (some words are too cool not to use) scheme to ensure his son’s future, Rolland Stone took out POTUS. They found his hat. Just remember, Oliver’s Poppa was’ a Rolland Stone, (wherever he laid his hat was his sniper perch.)

There are some white folks, most of whom live far from any people of any color as well as, for that matter, any people who are not blood relatives, who believe that the United States, and thus the World, is secretly controlled by a Cabal (another one of those words too good not to use more) of Jews and colored folk. As a black man in America, and a Mason, I say these guys are right on the money. See the ghetto is magical. And we gotta keep white people away from me lucky charms.

Not to be outdone, us black folk have several conspiracy theories concerning white folk, Jews, Hispanics, AND other black folk. But not the Italians. Italians are cool. Didn’t you see the Godfather?

All this comes up because I had this conversation last night;

Person of seemingly reasonable intelligence (“PSRI”), “Did you know that nobody owns anything, because the Government can take it all?”

Me, “Uh...Ok.”
PSRI, “Did you know that as a black man your voting rights must be renewed every 25 years?”
Me, “Um...no. I don’t remember that class in law school.”
PSRI, “It’s true.”

It’s not. He’s a moron. I’m a Mason. I know all.

But it made me wonder. If white people aren’t out to get me; and the Jews aren’t out to get me; and I don’t believe in Aliens, or Ghosts; then who’s conspiring against me?

And if the answer is nobody, then- do I really exist?
Then the thought hit me...Who is the safest person in the horror movie? The guy with the hockey mask. If you are at a poker game, and you don’t know who the chump is, then you must be the chump. If you are in a conspiratorial world, and you don’t feel conspired against... then I must be the...Oh shit.

I am a Mason.
The truth is out there people.

Ed. Note: I want to welcome my brothers of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity Incorporated, who are in town for our Southern Province meeting. Yo Nupes!

There's a new sheriff in town.

"Where then can any strength still be found within the German people? It is to be found, as always, in the great masses: THEIR ENERGY IS SLUMBERING AND IT ONLY AWAITS THE MAN WHO WILL SUMMON IT FROM ITS PRESENT SLUMBER AND WILL HURL IT INTO THE GREAT BATTLE FOR THE DESTINY OF THE GERMAN RACE." Adolph Hitler, Munich April 24, 1923

We have a new Pope. Yippee! I say ‘we’ in only the most tangential manner, what with me being a religious ‘mutt.’ I am half Baptist and half Episcopalian- Thus I will burn an incense while shaking a tambourine—“Be gone ye unclean spirits and Irishmen”—But, I digress.

The interesting thing about the new pope, Benedict XVI, is not his name; though it won’t be long till folks start calling him ‘Ex-vee-eye’; nor the fact that he looks like an Aryan Yoda; no, the interesting thing about Herr Pontiff is that he was a Nazi.

Herr Pontiff apparently was a member of the Hitler Youth, as well as an artilleryman in the German Army during ‘dub-dub-dub.’ (that’s W-W-2 for those not privy to my attempt to invent slang—Ever wonder how slang gets invented, anyway—digression #2).

Herr Pontiff. Un Fuhrer ot Church-stag. Ah screw it, I don’t speak German, hell, I barely know English. But I do wish to give Herr Pontiff a hearty “Hail Pontiff” hello. Welkomen.

Now the Vatican is mounting one hell (me, pun? Never.) of a public relations battle. Nobody wants to let the hundreds of millions of current and potential worshippers in Africa and Latin America think that the Church is run by an Aryan supremacist. And that’s cool. Trust me; I don’t think that the Swiss Guard will be changing into khaki uniforms with red arm bands anytime soon. Though it would be funny as hell to see.

The true comedy in this is that Herr Pontiff joined the Hitler Youth for a discount on school tuition. Shit, even I understand that. My cheap ass would join the KKK if it meant saving 15% or more on car insurance. I know about saving a buck. As reported by yahoo news Herr Pontiff said, “As soon as I left the seminary, I did not go straight into the Hitler Youth,”... “And that was difficult because in order to qualify for the reduction in schooling fees that I needed, you had to prove you had paid a visit to the Hitler Youth.”

Well, I hope he got that discount. He has said in interviews that he was enrolled in the Hitler Youth against his will. I can only imagine Herr Pontiff’s father saying, “Boy are you outta your mind?!! I’m not paying full price. Shit, you better ‘sieg heil’ with the rest of them mickyfickeys. I better see your ass goosesteppin' to flipping mars if you have to.” Shit, I know my Dad would have had me out there, first day of enrollment, checking to make sure he got that discount. “Yep, this is my number 2 son, I got 4. Make sure that y’all have this program when it’s time for number 3 and number 4 to go to school.”

Having a Nazi Pope isn’t all bad. Look at it this way; he might make sure communion runs on time.

Though, I suppose I shouldn’t throw stones. The head of my church is either the Queen of England or whichever slick suited pastor is heading the National Baptist Convention. I’ve got approximately zero shot at heaven.

Lesson learned today: Pope’n ain’t easy. (Yeah, I’m gonna copyright that thing.)

As a side note, the Hitler quote at the top was taken from hitler.org. Who knew there was such a thing. While the site proclaims that it exists purely as a scholarly endeavor to preserve Hitler for the sake of historical accuracy, I noted some typos, and even had to correct the above quoted passage. Makes me question them there 'scholars.'

News flash, network news is dead!

There are many directions I can steer my blog.

I can get all geo-political, rant rave and do the "talking points" thing until I get my own book deal, or better yet a seat along side some Fox News or MSNBC pretty face.

Or i can wax poetic about how my life sucks, can't find a woman, and how generally depressed I am. Blah, blah, blah.

Or I can dick ride some other blogger who I love or hate and blow their ego up a bit.

But I can't do none of these things cause I am too unique an idividual, filled with too much self confidence and, dare I say, swagger.

So, what will follow will be a collection of my thoughts on whatever I want, whenever I feel like discussing it. Occasionally I will note some newsworthy or political event, but this is not that type of blog.

From time to time I may opine (as is my wont) on some socially relevant thing or occurance.

And, if I am drunk and/or really high off of pain-killers I might just get personal. But don't hold your breath.

Shit, I'm different. So my shit will be different.
Famous last words, from an unknown. (Beats the hell outta unknown last words from the famous. Think on it.)

The End of One Thing...

is the beginning of another.

Don't cha' HATE cliches.