It's a C-O-N-spiracy!

I am a Mason. I am the keeper of certain secrets and information that I will never divulge. The main reason that I won’t divulge this information is that I have forgotten most of it. (That’s my story and I am sticking to it.)

I am also unbelievably fascinated by conspiracy theories. I love them. I love them all, from the “well, maybe” to the “ok, you are a nut” variety.

For instance, there are people on this planet, smart enough to program web pages, who believe that the planet Earth is hollow. Empty as my wallet 3 days after payday hollow. Well, not entirely hollow because there is a secret inner sun that warms the mole men who live below. The mole-men have carved tunnels out of the Earth’s inner crust (which is apparently 800 miles thick) and are living in vibrant technological communities right below us.

Mole Men. Really. I just want to know why they aren’t called ant men. Or bunny men. Don’t bunnies live in holes? Google “hollow earth theory” yourself if you don’t believe me.

Another conspiracy involves my organization and relates to our relationship with the devil. I have no comment.

Then there is the JFK conspiracy. Who was really perched atop that Texas book depository? CIA? FBI? Aliens? Hitler? Castro? Sammy “the Bull” Gravano? As a Mason, keeper of the eternal secrets from the masses, I’ll give you a hint, but only if you promise not to tell. Promise? No, you have to really promise. Ok. Oliver Stone’s papa, Rolland Stone did it. You think I’m kidding. I’m dead serious. In a nefarious (some words are too cool not to use) scheme to ensure his son’s future, Rolland Stone took out POTUS. They found his hat. Just remember, Oliver’s Poppa was’ a Rolland Stone, (wherever he laid his hat was his sniper perch.)

There are some white folks, most of whom live far from any people of any color as well as, for that matter, any people who are not blood relatives, who believe that the United States, and thus the World, is secretly controlled by a Cabal (another one of those words too good not to use more) of Jews and colored folk. As a black man in America, and a Mason, I say these guys are right on the money. See the ghetto is magical. And we gotta keep white people away from me lucky charms.

Not to be outdone, us black folk have several conspiracy theories concerning white folk, Jews, Hispanics, AND other black folk. But not the Italians. Italians are cool. Didn’t you see the Godfather?

All this comes up because I had this conversation last night;

Person of seemingly reasonable intelligence (“PSRI”), “Did you know that nobody owns anything, because the Government can take it all?”

Me, “Uh...Ok.”
PSRI, “Did you know that as a black man your voting rights must be renewed every 25 years?”
Me, “Um...no. I don’t remember that class in law school.”
PSRI, “It’s true.”

It’s not. He’s a moron. I’m a Mason. I know all.

But it made me wonder. If white people aren’t out to get me; and the Jews aren’t out to get me; and I don’t believe in Aliens, or Ghosts; then who’s conspiring against me?

And if the answer is nobody, then- do I really exist?
Then the thought hit me...Who is the safest person in the horror movie? The guy with the hockey mask. If you are at a poker game, and you don’t know who the chump is, then you must be the chump. If you are in a conspiratorial world, and you don’t feel conspired against... then I must be the...Oh shit.

I am a Mason.
The truth is out there people.

Ed. Note: I want to welcome my brothers of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity Incorporated, who are in town for our Southern Province meeting. Yo Nupes!