I Got This Spanish Chica, She Don't Like Me To Roam

So she call me "cabron" Plus "mi Amore"
Said she likes to cook rice, so she likes me at home
I'm like, "Un momento - mami, slow up your tempo"

This part is for me…

Happy Birthday Pop! You catching Tony Randall years bout’ now, aren’t you? You have no idea in how many ways you have influenced me, some for the better—some not. But you are one inspirational dude, and as everyone who has had the misfortune to talk to me knows, you are my idol!

Moving on-

Random question of the day- Is Fidel Castro dead yet? And, more importantly, if he dies tomorrow can anybody – the CIA, the Cuban exiles in Miami, the Kennedys – claim victory? That nigga been running Cuba for 47 years man, 47 years! Shit, niggas can’t teach in the public schools longer than 25. Nigga had stomach cancer and was puffing a Cohiba on TV the next day. I ain’t fucking with Fidel. He harder than Fiddy.

And another random thought, if “the Beard” can smoke stoogies for 47 years while being a dictator, how unhealthy is tobacco? Or, is it that Cuban tobacco that keeps you ticking? Like, when Ponce de Leon was looking for the fountain of youth in Florida, did he miscalculate by, say…90 miles?

Moving on, redux-

I like Puerto Rican food (another random thought! And this is a “can you tell I gots nothing?” digression). When I was 12, the kid downstairs was named Puerto Rican Jose. (Well, his momma didn’t name him Puerto Rican Jose, the streets did. But there was a reason. See, Puerto Rican Jose was…Puerto Rican! See, the streets be making sense when you think about it!) Puerto Rican Jose had a older brother who was also named Puerto Rican Jose. Or maybe it was Puerto Rican Carlos, I don’t really remember. Anyhow, (that was a “back story” digression, btw) Puerto Rican Jose’s mother, whose name I don’t recall, possibly because she ain’t have no name, made the best Spanish Rice ever. I ain’t really get with all that damn pork – but the rice was banging!

There is a point here. I live in Miami. Do you know there isn’t a fucking Puerto Rican restaurant in the whole damn town. We got Brazillian, Peruvian, Cuban (of course) but no Puerto Rican. Like, if a motherfucker swam over, or got washed ashore, he can open a restaurant (and sell $15 Vodka Tonics to boot), but if you fly over, no haps!

Alright, I got nothing again.

Um, here is where I get deep on y’all. Usually. Today…um…

Um…

Um…

Yeah…

Nope. That’s it.

Though, since it is (apparently) Puerto Rican (rice) Day here at the Fell Clutch (see what a motherfucker will do for some good rice), I thought I’d post a video by the great Puerto Rican poet, Gordo Jose, a.k.a. Fat Joe. Though, before I do that, I thought I’d mention that it is truly ironic that PoppaRedd’s birthday post would be jacked by Puerto Ricans. The irony? (aside from the droll Puerto Ricans steal things? Duh! Too obvious. Sonny “O’Henry-and if you think it’s a candy bar read a book”Redd) GrandmaRedd HATES Puerto Ricans. (Yes! I come from a long line of hate! Hahahahaha!) She’s old school that way. Like in a West Side Story, don’t bring home no Rican’ kind of way. Old folks. Don’t ‘cha love ‘em?

As another aside (and you Georgia and DC folks can’t relate)-

Do my east coast folks know that motherfucker around y’alls way who swore they was Puerto Rican? You know, that nigga who even had the accent? But his last name is like “Smith” or “Jones”?


Like these two "chicas" right here. I swear, everybody wanna say it, but nobody wanna be it. Niggas! That shit kills me. Always has. You know the one on the left is just outta Senegal. She don't look like she seen any rice, 'cept that UN Aid rice they throw outta planes.

My step-dad (who was part Cuban, a whole 'nother post) used to call Puerto Ricans, "Spanish Speakin' Spades." But I like Puerto Ricans. Carlito's Way (the original) was a good movie. And, they are less uppity as far Latinos go. And in reality, white folk hate Puerto Ricans as much as they hate us. Even more -- cause Puerto Ricans look like Mexicans, but they don't pick no vegetables.

Carry on. The Empire will resume conquest on Friday (hopefully! Henchmen taking vacations! Who ever heard of such?) Enjoy the Video!